FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
