Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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