Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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