She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
