I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize