I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
