I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
