I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
