I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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