Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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