You can't special order awesome
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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