I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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