I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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