So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My feet surprised me
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
