Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
