You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
