in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
