im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
