I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
