i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The cops high fived after they tackled you
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
