so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
