My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
