Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
