I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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