I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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