PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
