Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
