Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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