tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize