Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She's the barista slut.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
