I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
