Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
