DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
