There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
