Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
