girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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