she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
