My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
