tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
