I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
