i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
