Already got asked if we're dating
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
