barbara walters just said penis...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
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