When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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