Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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