I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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