Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
