I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
