I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Me too!
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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