Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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