I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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