Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
