if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
