that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
