I wish I only lived at night.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
