Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
