He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
