come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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