im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
