i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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