dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
