Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
