the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
