The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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