He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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