If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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